Do you accompany clients around the property?
Initially, yes. Marmalade Quill will lead the viewing, walking confidently towards the first room. She will then stop, stare at a corner, and remain there for an indeterminate period. Clients should regard this as a pause for reflection and not worry. If the corner is still being stared at after forty minutes, you may proceed without her.
Can I bring a surveyor?
You may bring one, but he or she will be assessed on arrival. Surveyors who produce a clipboard are treated as threats. Surveyors who produce a sandwich are treated as friends. We recommend sandwiches.
How long does a viewing last?
A standard viewing lasts twenty minutes. A viewing at which a sunbeam appears lasts until the sunbeam leaves, which is generally about three hours. We have never successfully ended a viewing before a sunbeam moved, and we have stopped trying.
What if I fall in love with the property?
Excellent. Place a paw, a hand or a small item of clothing on the property to signal your claim. Biscuit Aldous will then walk across the item, which counts as a legal witness. We recommend following up with a formal letter, which will be sat on.
What if the agent stops responding?
This is usually caused by one of the following:
- She is asleep
- She is pretending to be asleep
- There is a bird outside, and she has entered a state of professional focus
In all three cases she will return to normal operation in due course. Please do not touch her tail, as it is considered a negotiating position.
Do you offer virtual viewings?
We do. A member of staff will walk across the keyboard during the call, and you will see mostly a belly. We are told this is “unprofessional”, but our satisfaction scores remain unaffected because no client has ever completed the survey. Biscuit Aldous sat on the laptop.
Can I make an offer on the day?
Offers are accepted at any time. They are best made in the form of a treat, placed on a flat surface within reach. Counter offers will take the form of a stare, and a final price may take several days to determine.