Buying your first basket can feel overwhelming, so we have prepared a straightforward guide. Marmalade Quill has contributed a foreword, which consists of the word “mrrp”.
Step one: inspect the exterior
Walk around the basket slowly and check for structural problems. Look at the weave, the handles and any sign of previous occupants, such as fur in a colour you do not recognise. A basket with too much fur from another cat is not necessarily a bad buy, but you should ask questions.
Step two: test the interior
Place one paw inside, then two. If the base gives way slightly, this is a good sign. A basket with a springy floor is a basket with a future. A basket that creaks like a ship is a basket with a story, and we suggest you hear it before committing.
Step three: check the neighbourhood
Consider what is near the basket. A basket next to a radiator is worth far more than one next to a front door, because the latter is exposed to draughts and also to strangers. Look at nearby socks, which are an excellent indicator of what the household values.
Step four: the circle test
Circle the basket three times before entering. This is not superstition. It is a way of confirming that the basket is round, and therefore compatible with your preferred shape. If it is square, and you are a round cat, you have a compatibility problem.
Step five: make your offer
Offers should be made by sitting in the basket and refusing to leave. This is the standard method and it is accepted in all jurisdictions of the living room. If the current owner objects, increase the offer by purring.
Step six: negotiate
A good negotiator remains calm and keeps eye contact for as long as possible. When the seller blinks, you have won. Biscuit Aldous has not lost a staring contest since the incident with the toaster.
Step seven: complete
Completion occurs when you have been in the basket for more than twenty minutes without being moved. At this point it is yours, and any human who tries to put laundry in it will be met with a firm and legally meaningless hiss.